Rules and Guildlines for a Better Beacon Experience
by RexHeller
Summary: Professor Ozpin decides that the students of Beacon need some extra rules to keep them out of trouble. The students take this as a challenge. Chaos ensues. Rated T just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth._

* * *

 _As it turned out, taking a large number hormonal teenagers, giving them access to highly destructive weaponry, sticking them on a cliff with nowhere to go and having just under twenty adults to supervise was a horrible idea. Luckily Professor Ozpin came up with an idea improve the situation. He probably didn't mean for the list to take on a life of it's own but it was Ozpin, so no one knew for sure._

 **Rules and Guidelines for a Better Beacon Experience.**

 **Do not touch Yang Xiao Long's Hair**

 _Ozpin looked at the results Yang's latest rampage. Twenty-three desks, thirty-five chairs, two black boards and one wall separating two classrooms had been destroyed and 6 students had to be sent to the infirmary. Ozpin just sighed and shook his head. "You'd think they'd have learned by now."_

 **Do not convert your weapons into water guns.**

 _It was surprising how many students forgot to change them back before going out into the field._

 **You are not allowed to start an independent business on school property.**

 _Ruby had made quite a lot of lien converting her classmates' weapons into water guns before the list went up._

 **Pets are allowed on campus. However, they are your responsibility. If you can't keep them out of trouble they will be sent home.**

 **a. Faunus are not pets.**

 **b. Neither are Grimm.**

 _As it turns out_ **,** _Zwei had twice the energy of his owners and none of the restraint._

 **First Years should not trust anything Fourth Years tell them.**

 **a. If it sounds important verify it with a Professor or a Third Year first.**

" _They hate you and want to see you suffer." Coco explained when asked._

 **Do not assist Ruby Rose with any weapon-based experiments.**

 _If the weapon was an untested prototype she would get you to fire it and takes notes on exactly how and why it exploded. If the weapon was safe she'd use you as target practice._

 **Nora Valkyrie is not to be given or left unsupervised in the presence of following.**

 **a. Sugar.**

 **b. Anything containing sugar.**

 **a. Coffee.**

 _Nora had tried espresso once. The experience was horrifying for everyone involved._

" _Oh come on. I've just gained the ability to break the fourth wall. It's not that bad." Nora pouted._

 _Especially me._

 **The cuter it is, the more likely it can kick your ass.**

 _The First Years had been invited to watch a Third Year sparing session. After seeing what she could do Team CRDL stopped picking on Velvet._

 **Beacon is a pro-equality environment. Feel free to correct discriminatory behaviour in a polite, non-aggressive fashion.**

 _Just because they never caught them doesn't mean the professors weren't sick of Team CRDL's shit._

 **Professor Goodwitch does not need a boyfriend.**

 **a. Or a girlfriend.**

 _Yang was of the opinion that Professor Goodwitch was too tightly wound and needed to get laid. She had spent a week trying to get the professor to go clubbing with her and had only stopped when threatened with detention for the rest of the year._

 **Dust is highly dangerous and must be treated with proper safety precautions.**

 **a. Ms. Schnee you should know better.**

 _Everyone involved with the snowball fight in the cafeteria said it was worth it, despite the month-long detention._

 **If you are injured, report to the infirmary immediately.**

 **a.** ' **Tis** _ **not**_ **just a flesh wound.**

 _It was surprising how many students and teachers were willing to sacrifice common sense for pride._

 **If you are playing a game of Cards Against Remnant LOCK THE DOOR!**

 **a. Same goes for strip poker.**

 _Velvet had walked accidentally in walked into one of RWBY and JNPR's weekly games of Cards Against Remnant and had stayed in the counselor's office for the rest of the week._

 **Never ask what's the worst that could happen. You will find out.**

" _Duh. It's, like, the first rule of narrative causality." Nora said._

 **If you don't know what a button does, don't push it.**

 **a. Ms. Belladonna I'm surprised.**

 _This, after Blake and Yang were found in the Beacon kitchens, covered in pancake batter._

" _Yang, if you say one thing about cats and curiosity, I'll kill you."_

 **Do not eat Grimm flesh. We don't know what it will do to you but chances are it won't be good.**

 _It started as a dare between Nora and Cardin and ended with all of Teams RWBY, JNPR and CRDL in detention. This incident was also the cause of the next rule on the list too._

" **For Science" is not a good excuse.**

 **a. Neither is "He/she dared me."**

 **b. Neither is "Peer pressure."**

 _Needless to say Goodwitch was not pleased with the answers she got when she asked them what they had to say for them selves._

 **Do not say "with all due respect". We know you don't mean it.**

 _Cardin somehow thought he could get away with flipping off the headmaster if he said those four words first._

 **Unless your weapon is a high-tech fishing rod do not use it as such.**

" _All I wanted was some fresh tuna." Blake grumbled._

 **There is no such thing as preemptive detention**

 **a. Glynda.**

" _They're going to get in trouble anyway sir."_

" _Still, the rule stands."_

* * *

 **Hey guys, what's up?**

 **This was inspired by** _ **Supplemental Rules and Regulations**_ **by Sekhem and** _ **Things Not To Do At the**_ **SGC by Gothfaery** _ **,**_ **For something slightly different but with a similar sense of humor check out** _ **Neon Genesis Evangelion: A Missive From The Commander**_ **by Jesakofedo and** _ **Please Stop Eating The Hell Butterflies**_ **by Mistress Nika.**

 **This is just another quick comedy for me to work on while I wait for my deck of Cards Against Humanity to arrive and I can continue working on Cards Against Remnant.**

 **If you have any suggestions for jokes please leave them in a review.**

 **And that's all for now. If you'll excuse me I'm going to go try and write something serious. Wish me luck.**

 **Reviews are nice.**

 **\- Rex Heller.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Do not touch Professor Ozpin's coffee.**

" _What about Professor Oobleck's?"_

 _Coco giggled. "You can put whatever you want in his. He never notices."_

 **When some one say's no, they mean no. Not maybe later, not next week, NO!**

 **a. Jaune.**

 _Weiss had lost her patience with Jaune's constant flirting and had responded in the most Weiss-like manner possible: with rules._

 **Professors Ozpin and Goodwitch are not in some form of secret relationship. Stop asking.**

" _You do realize that's just going to encourage them, right sir."_

 **Do not assist Weiss Schnee with any Dust based experiments.**

 _There was a running bet on who would more students in the infirmary, Yang and her rampages or Weiss and her experiments._

 **All bets are to be placed with Lei Ren.**

 _Beacon offered a lot to gamble on, from who would beat up team CRDL next to how long Nora could go with out scaring everyone. ("My records forty minutes.") Of course the most popular bets were on who would end up dating who._

 **Nora, stop breaking the fourth wall.**

" _But…"_

 _NO! You're freaking me out._

 **You are not allowed to make Ruby Rose cry.**

 _This one went up immediately after a fourth year stole Ruby's cookies. He was lucky Goodwitch was there to pull Yang off of him. He was expected to wake up from his coma sometime next year._

 **Yes, Professor Ozpin enjoys chess metaphors. No, he does not consider all of you worthless pawns.**

" _What did I say about listening the Fourth Years?" Coco yelled._

 **Vehicles are to remain outside.**

 _Nobody was really sure how Yang got her motorcycle indoors. All Yang would say was that Nora did it._

 **We can't stop you from reading in class but if you do, please keep it family friendly.**

" _It's not smut!"_

 **Sleep is for everybody, not just for the weak.**

 _Exam week + New espresso machine + Weiss = Crazy on a scale that Nora look normal._

" _Ha. Yeah right. Nobody makes me look normal."_

 _You're right Nora. You're one of a kind, thank God.  
_

 **Yang Xiao Long is now required to pay for all property damage she causes.**

" _Hey Weiss…"_

" _No."_

" _Well, at least I don't have to pay the hospital bills."_

" _Yet."_

 **Do not switch the signs for the male and female change rooms.**

 _Jaune was lucky that he fainted immediately after realizing his mistake otherwise team JNPR would be looking for a new leader._

 **Cardin Winchester is no longer allowed to gamble in anyway.**

 **a. This is for your own good.**

 _This, after he lost his thirty first consecutive bet with Nora and was forced to wear a bunny outfit all day._

 **Yang Xiao Long is not your personal microwave.**

" _Oh come on. It's my semblance, I should be able to do what I want with it."_

" _I think they had a problem with the fact that you were charging people."_

 **You are not allowed to make Yang Xiao Long cry.**

 _Nobody was sure what the Fourth Year had said to make the boisterous brawler start bawling. What they did know was that Ruby turned out to be just as protective of her sister and twice as terrifying._

 **Unless your name is Nora Valkyrie you are not allergic to boredom.**

 **a. Stop trying to get out of class.**

 _Nora actually was allergic to boredom. She had a doctor's note and everything._

 **Remnant: the game is not a substitute for Tactics and Strategies class.**

 **a. Neither is chess.**

" _But Glynda…"_

" _Sir, no. You can't just let them play board games in class."_

 **Handcuffs are no longer allowed on campus.**

 _Rather than one particular incident, this rules was the result of many. Far to many to list here._

 **If you finish your test early, please do not doodle on the back out of boredom.**

 **a. And if you do please keep it family friendly.**

 _Blake hadn't really been thinking of the consequences when she began that drawing and now Goodwitch couldn't even look in her direction with out blushing._

* * *

 **Hey guys, what's up?**

 **So, this is turning out to be harder then I thought and I need you help. First of all, coming up with these rules is hard. So I really need you to make tons of suggestions so I can keep doing twenty rules per chapter and not have it take forever. Feel free to leave them in a review or PM me directly.**

 **Secondly, I've decided that instead of responding to reviews in my author's notes like I do for Cards Against Remnant I figured I'd do something different. So in a few chapters I'll be doing a Q &A. So if you have questions about this fic, the characters, how I write or anything really either leave a review or PM me. Please, I really want to do a Q&A chapter.**

" _It'll be funny! We guarantee it!"_

 **Goddammit Nora! In my author's note? You all most gave me a heart attack.**

" _Sorry. I just wanted to help."_

 **Just… Stop. Please?**

 **Anyway the gist of it is, if you like this like this fic and want to help please send some suggestions and questions this way.**

 **And that's all for now. If you'll excuse me I need to go take my medication.**

 **Reviews are nice.**

 **\- Rex Heller.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Do not touch Weiss Schnee's Dust.**

 _Most people thought that this was because she would get mad. While this was true, the real reason was because Weiss was in the habit of leaving her Dust unlabelled. Nobody wants to try and soothe a burn with a little Freeze Dust and find out they grabbed Burn Dust instead._

 **We're sorry. Please stop.**

 _Team CRDL, to the shock of many, actually learned their lesson. This may have been because of the beatings or it might have been because Cardin was too busy joining in on Nora's antics._

 **To those three students from Heaven: whatever you're plotting, STOP IT. We have enough craziness to deal with it as is.**

 **a. You're not as subtle as you'd like to believe.**

 _Cinder took one look at the list and freaked out when she saw this entry. Then she took a second look and decided Beacon would destroy itself eventually._

 **Do not enter your dormitories by the window.**

 **a. We have doors for a reason people.**

 _Sun had started a trend._

 **Standing between Ruby Rose and cookies is inadvisable.**

 _Turns out collisions at super speed hurt. A lot._

 **Do not call Weiss Schnee short.**

 _Her reaction and that fact that she started putting her hair in a braid during her Dust experiments had started people calling her the Fullmetal Huntress._

 **Theme Songs. No.**

" _But Coco said…"_

 _"I don't care what Ms. Adel said. I'm saying no."_

 **Do not assist Professor Port with any experiments of any kind.**

 _The man was a genius at killing Grimm. The problem he thought he was a genius at everything else too and he wanted to prove it._

 **If you encounter the criminal know as Roman Torchwick do not ask if they make his outfit for men.**

" _Hey Cinder, you do know that's just going to encourage them right?"_

" _I know, Emerald. I know."_

 **Do not eat Dust.**

 _No one was stupid enough to try this, even if the Fourth Years said it would give them super powers. Still, it was nice to see it in writing._

 **By 'do not touch' we mean 'DO NOT MESS WITH IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM'.**

 _Some students (CRDL) had started seeing the list as a challenge._

 **Mission reports are to be written down and handed in to your professor, not acted out with sock puppets.**

 **This rule only needs to be obeyed if the professor in question is Professor Goodwitch.**

" _Really?"_

" _Yes Ruby. Unlike Glynda, I appreciate true art."_

 _"YAY! Thank you Professor Ozpin! You're the best!"_

 **Yes, Emerald Sustrai has red eyes. No, she is not a Grimm.**

" _Stop hunting me!"_

 **You are not allowed to steal underwear.**

 **a. Or pants.**

 **b. Or any sort of clothing.**

 _Goodwitch sighed. "I can not believe I had to post this."_

 **You are not allowed to abduct the leaders of other teams.**

 _Cinder hadn't realized how cute Ruby was until meeting her in person. When they did meet Cinder lasted five minutes before squeeing, shouting about how cute she was and then running off with the younger huntress. They were found barricaded in one of Beacon's attics half a day later._

 **You are not allowed to use your team leader as collateral.**

 _On a side note, Ruby forbid her teammates from ever making bets with Cinder again._

 **The library is for studying, not for picking up members of the opposite sex.**

 **a. Or the same sex.**

 **b. We don't judge.**

" _I told you libraries were for reading."_

" _Oh shut up, you blue-haired bastard."_

 **Once again, Grimm are not pets. Edgar the Minotaur is the exception, not the rule.**

 **a. Do not approach the Minotaur hole**

 **b. Do not feed the Minotaur.**

 _Nobody was sure what part of that day was the most surprising: That Cardin was capable of taking down a Minotaur on his own, that he got permission to keep it, that he was actually able to tame it, or that Cardin finally won a bet with Nora._

 **Stop spreading rumors that the reason the moon's destroyed is because it used to cause monkey faunus to transform into giant apes. This is completely, totally, utterly untrue.**

 **a. We mean it.**

 **b. Really.**

" _Yeah, that's a Suspiciously Specific Denial if I ever saw one."_

 _Nora, stop explaining the joke. AND STAY OFF OF TVTROPES. It will ruin your life._

" _Like yours?"_

 _Shut up._

 **Would Cinder Fall, Emerald Sustrai, and Mercury Black please go back to plotting whatever you where plotting. It was much better then you actively participating in the chaos around campus.**

" _So do either of you remember what we where actually plotting?"_

" _Nope."_

" _Something to do with a virus? Maybe?"_

" _Computer or sickness?"_

" _I don't know!"_

" _Aw, fuck it."_

* * *

 **Hey Guys, What's Up?**

 **And with that we're pretty much off the rails. That happened a lot quicker then I thought. I don't have much else to say other than-**

"Review! Ask us Questions! And Suggest Jokes!"

 **That. Thank you Nora.**

 **And that's all from me. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go post Round 8 of Cards Against Remnant! Right Now!**

 **Reviews are nice.**

 **\- Rex Heller**


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